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Humor: The Lighter Side of Life
Please check back regularly - I hope to make this a compendium of thngs that I find interesting and make me think, smile or both.
"Dilbert Quotes" contest
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. It was looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here
are the twelve finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This
was the winning quote, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp.)
2. "What I need is a specific list of the unknown problems which we
will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business." Accounting Manager, Electric Boat
Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." Advertising/Marketing Manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No
one
will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining
and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged
and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday,
Valentine's Day. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would
have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we
could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for
me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that
communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T
Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the
subject mentioned above." (Legal Affairs Division, Microsoft
Corporation)
11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would
be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
12. As Director of Communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body
of the memo I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was
called into the HR Director's office, and told that
the Executive Vice President wanted me out of the building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo,
with her demand that I be fired and the word pedagogical" circled in
red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once
he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the
definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would
take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out,
directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I
resigned. In accordancompany policy, I created my resignation memo by
pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
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